While many have created typologies of the different kinds of love, all are based on the fundamental reality that Love is multi-dimensional and occurs far more frequently than those focused on romantic love would imagine. Perhaps less obvious are the myriad versions of “other love.” And sadly, many of us seem to undervalue these special and potentially fulfilling kinds of love.
Let’s take a quick journey around the landscape of love and shine our light on a few of the additional varieties growing in a garden near you or right around the corner. The irony is that these kinds of love are often more available and satisfying - and ours for the recognition. Thegoodnewsisthat all of them will grow and develop with our warm attention.
Most people seem to be curious, if
not obsessed with, Eros, or romance, as
the uber-desirable and demanding goal of relationships. As a relatively modern concept, coming of age in the 19th century, the notion of romantic love was spread by writing and stories, novels and ultimately as cinema. As we morphed our family structures from the fixed clan, tribe or village of relatives to one based on our own choosing, romantic love and passion became the gold ring on the grand wheel of life. Its familiar arc includes, but is not limited to, “falling” in love, courtship and “the chase” as well
as being closely associated with images such as rescue, seduction and “happily
ever after.” Often equated with “drinking the potion” or being in an altered state, driven by lust and longing, ancient graphics often depicted Eros as Cupid, the child -- going forward, blindfolded, the opposite of reason. Happily, in time, with nurturing, honest communication and respect, Eros can morph into an enduring love, similar in ways to the fusion of many facets described below.
Phillia is the kind of love that true friends have for one another. They provide mutual benefit and mirrors for one another. The union is dependable. They help each other to live deep and true lives through accurate witness and useful feedback about beliefs and limitations. Authentic listening and speaking are necessary as is owning one’s character defects. Love in this sense is dedicated to the growth and development of the people involved. They are like therapists for each other. Of utmost importance is each person’s openness to give and receive, as well as to share reciprocal insights in the spirit of each person’s growth.
Familial love is often referred to as “storge” and is most like the love between parents and children. This kind of love is not as symmetrical as “phillia,” but rather created out of protection, the parent for the child. Later, with protection no longer primary, it manifests as a kind of deep fondness achieved with prolonged familiarity or dependency. Sometimes, people in the early stages of romantic love, wish for the unconditional regard of storge - often to their initial disappointment. With patience and longevity, early Eros can ultimately evolve into the quality of love that is associated with long-term partnerships and marriages.
Agape is a demonstration of universal or brotherly love -- a love for strangers, or evenaconceptofGodoruniverse. It can also be experienced as altruism or concern for our neighbors -- a kind of concern for the welfare of others with no expectations for reciprocity. As agape grows among people and citizens it provides for a good feeling of euphoria and the building of a protective culture. This blending of cooperative beliefs and intention increases our general resourcefulness and shared benefit of well-being.
Ludus is a playful kind of loving companionship with a focus on fun, with no strings attached. Its hallmark is casual, without expectations and demands. When both parties are clear with one another, without the need or specter of dependency, ludus relationships are a happy variety of phillia with the respect of a friendship that holds shared values and an understanding of non-attachment.
Pragma is a kind of practical love
founded on reason or duty and one’s longer-term interests. Found in relationships that are dedicated to a mission, one finds examples of pragma in the devotion to military or even long-term political or celebrity duos where the partnership is served by the strong association between the two.
Philautia is self-love, a wholesome version that is related to self-esteem and determined by our own appraisal of ourselves relative to others. Our ability to assess ourselves accurately grows as we age and experience the myriad of reactions we encounter in the totality of our experiences. Ultimately, it is the lens through which we see ourselves in relationship to others, and to the world. People who have earned high self-esteem are open and willing to experience novelty and change, willing to partake in relationships, and whether the risks and rewards of such openness.
Love in all its forms results in greater inner strength which through the number and variety of life events, provides the kind of feedback that earns us trust in our- selves. This trust, born of being loved, helps us to heal and forgive ourselves and others. The result is greater resilience in coping with life’s ever-changing nature. So... we might as well invest in Love in all its colors. Goodness and a heightened sense of well-being are the payoffs!
“We are the result of Love. Once we accept our responsibility for it, we hold the keys to its future.”
—Andrea Gould Marks
